Fears

Fears are raw emotion-- the dark side of honesty that most people shield and hide until forced to expose their pale faces to the public. Some people strut their fears, screaming loudly when they see a spider, and nearly fainting into a crowd of friends if they get too close to the edge of a tall platform (because it's popular to be afraid of spiders, snakes, or heights). Some people hide from their fears, preferring instead to ignore their existence. Others take great lengths to overcome their fears, such as a dramatic leap from a plane, or spending the night in a cave. And still others (and I fall into this category) are still discovering their fears because they have allowed them to be hidden so well that identifying them takes work. I have recently discovered such a fear of mine.

When I was little, I had over fifty baby dolls. I remember the small playroom lined with dolls in their cradles or lined up side by side around the perimeter. I named them all Emily, and took care of them daily, rocking them to sleep and feeding them from bottles that really seemed to empty. I would sleep with my "babies" and take them on walks; talk to them and sing to them. "What a great mommy you are going to be!" everyone said. I would beam-- that is what I wanted to be more than anything.
As I grew I began babysitting, loving and playing with other people's children. I knew that being a mom was meant for me. Then the fear began to slip into my dream, and I let it hide because I didn't want to discover it, not yet. I didn't want to be inadequate, not good enough to fulfill my dream. I began to hear the doubts when I started nannying. "You don't know how to be a mom," they said. "You don't know how to love like a mom."

"No!" I'd answer back, "I will when I have my own children!" But I still feared because I couldn't remember how to be loved from a mother. I watched other moms with their babies, but my mom and I had a different relationship. I have two moms, one in heaven and one I have had since I was four. My second mom is fabulous, and has taken great care of me and my siblings, but there is a difference that can only be sensed when she hugs the children she bore-- a love that is tangible and connecting. I remember that I felt that a long time ago, but I don't know how to love like that. I don't know how to care so deeply about a child that even when they are being punished they feel my love. I don't know how to hold a child and have love like steam fill my insides. I don't know how, I don't remember, but somehow I do. I am being taught as I hold my baby in my arms and he looks up at me adoringly. As he coos, laughs, and grips me tight, I feel like he is patiently, lovingly teaching me how. I feel like he knows how to love better than I, but I am learning. Who knew that I could learn to overcome my fear from a child? Me, a mom, a protector and teacher-- am being taught by an infant, led along until I feel myself doing it, like a child riding a bike and suddenly the training wheels are off and I get scared again until I look into his eyes.

New Website!

Hey everybody! I have moved to thewackynormal.wordpress.com. I hope you'll join me over there for some more great times!

Wacky Wednesday: Chocolate Covered Strawberries

There is a book that the boys that I nanny love to read. It's called Wacky Wednesday by Dr. Seuss, and it's about this boy who wakes up on a Wednesday and really crazy things are going on.  That book has inspired me to write about wacky (or just outright embarrassing!) things that have happened to me, and I'll post one each Wednesday.

The April before Sean and I got married, a wedding expo was being held in Olympia, not too far from where I live. I decided to go see what ideas I could gather there for my own wedding, and tried to recruit someone to be my sidekick, but since everyone was busy I went alone. I didn't have the slightest clue what one is supposed to wear to those events, but I knew there was going to be a dinner served, so I put on a casual dress, did my hair and make-up nice, and headed out. Upon arriving at the clubhouse, I graciously accepted my door prize and entered my ticket into the raffle, feeling lucky. I also felt overdressed. Looking around, I was the only ones besides the staff who wasn't wearing jeans. I didn't care though, because I looked good.

Dinner was served out of silver platters and consisted of prime rib, potatoes, asparagus, some sort of soup and bread, and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. I sat at a table of about eight women, and we all became great friends while discussing our weddings. I remembered my manners all through dinner, but was surprised when everyone started cutting their chocolate covered strawberries. That just seemed like overkill to me, so I tried to start a trend by just biting it. The strawberries were fantastic! Ripe and sweet, I was glad that I had gotten three instead of the two I had originally wanted. They were bigger than I anticipated, so I took each one in two bites. Just as I was finishing up, they started the raffle. I joked with the women at my table while names were called out, puzzled by the odd looks I was getting during our conversation. I was attempting to get the mirror out of my goodie bag when my name was called-- I had won an amount of money toward jewelry!

I went up to receive my award, smiling appreciatively  as everyone clapped and stared at me. I noticed that people looked at me longer than necessary as I accepted my prize, and several eyes followed me to my seat, but I attributed it to my super cute leather boots that Sean had bought me for Christmas one year. I continued to smile coyly at those staring at me for the rest of the event, feeling flattered. When I got to my car, I was feeling pretty confident about myself as I waved good bye and smiled grandly to a few of the girls I had met that night. I breathed a sigh of relief as I was finally was
able to look in the mirror to see just what about my great looks made so many people stare. As I pulled the rearview mirror toward me in the parked car, my eyes grew wide. Instead of the new beauty that I had imagined, I saw chocolate like a four-year-old's lipstick tracing my lips. It outlined more than just my lips, though, extending from just below my nose and wrapping around to my chin. All I could do was laugh. I couldn't believe that the ladies I had been conversing with didn't say anything! I called my sister so that I could laugh at it with someone to keep from crying. I had gone up in front of more than fifty people with a lovely brown shade smothering my lips. And to think that I thought it was my beauty that stunned people. Oh, I can't even imagine what they were thinking....

On Getting Pregnant- An Apology

Growing up, I always had this idea, an unspoken dogma that I assumed everybody already knew to live by: You grow up, date someone for less than a year (cause hey, if they were really the one, then nothing should stand in the way of getting married, right?), and start having children nine months later. In my head, there was no such thing as complications, no reason for delay, and definitely no differing of opinions that would deviate from that clearly correct plan, right? Ha.

So I grew up-- kind of. Before my 19th birthday, I met Sean and decided he was the one, but he had just chosen to serve a mission for our church, and there was no way that I wanted to deter him from that. So we dated for a year, and then I waited while he served a mission. 

When he returned, he was excited to begin having babies as soon as we were married, but I felt hesitant and so we agreed to wait at least six months to enjoy married life before going off birth control. Only when six months rolled around, he had decided that he liked being married so much that he didn't want it to change. In his mind, there were adventures to be taken that would be hindered by having children. So, we agreed to wait three more months. 

We took a trip to Hollywood and met The Rock, went on another vacation to Disneyland, spent the night on a beach in Washington, swam in the ocean, and began college classes. 

When the topic of children came up again, there was tension. He still wasn't ready, and I was so ready it hurt. We agreed to wait three more months to discuss it again, but I wasn't expecting anything at the end of those three months except three more months. I didn't think that he would ever want children, and it became a topic we both avoided. We bought our duplex and began the remodel. Three more months had come and gone and I had all but given up on convincing Sean that children would be their own fantastic adventure.

Then one day we were driving to Sean's parent's house to watch a movie. For some reason, names had come up, and we started discussing what to name our future children. Then he got a look on his face that can only be described as bewildered joy, and he looked at me and said, "Leisl, when your birth control runs out this month, I don't think we should refill it. I'm not saying we should try to have children yet, but I think we should see what happens."

I was stunned. I turned away from him slightly so that he couldn't see my total excitement, awe, and confusion (I didn't want it to make him change his mind). All I could say through my blurried eyes was "Thank you."

Words can't begin to describe the pain and hopelessness that I felt at Sean not wanting to have children. And I am sure he felt under attack and pressured to agree to change our relationship in a way that he could only see as bad. So many couples loose sight of each other while raising a family, and many great opportunities are passed up due to the mere fact that you cannot commit your whole self or money to those opportunities or each other anymore-- and that is scary.

So here is my apology to all those couples I have judged for not following the generalization that I placed upon you. I am sorry for the heartache you have received due to infertility, or just complications in general with having children. I am sorry that I felt like it was my place to assume things about your marriage or relationship, when I really had no right to stick my nose in. I believe that children are a gift from God, but I also believe now that while He is in control, it is a very personal and sacred choice for married couples to decide when the timing is right for them. 

And you know what? Even though we didn't start a family right when I wanted to, those almost three years of growth was just what Sean and I needed as a couple. Killian came just at the right moment, and I have no doubt his siblings will follow in fashion. It gave me the opportunity to learn patience, and it gave Sean and I the chance to become closer as a team and enjoy our years as newlyweds in a way that would have been different with children. Looking back, I can honestly say I am grateful for that experience.

Life Lately...

It's been a while! Ok, it's almost been a year. But in my defense, we moved and I was pregnant so that sapped most of my creative juices (what little I had to begin with, haha!). So let's play catch up one post at a time...

On October 31, 2013 my husband, Sean, and I bought our first house! It was horribly ugly on the outside-- mustard yellow with brown trim-- and the inside wasn't much better. It's a duplex built in the 80's and we decided to take on the project of remodeling it.
We couldn't move inside because one unit looked like someone gave birth on the carpet, and the other one was a smoker unit, so we moved into the garage. We began by ripping up the carpet in the bigger unit  so that we could rent that one out ASAP. I took on a second job and 6 credits from BYU-I that semester, and Sean was working late hours most days, so we worked late into the nights. We cooked our food mostly in the crockpot and ate it while sitting on our only two chairs in the whole place. Here's a picture of our garage- homey, right?

 See that nice big screen TV? That was our only form of down time in between remodeling. So, of course it got stolen the first week we lived there. How some thief knew to look in the garage of a trashed house I will never know, but it definitely was not a great "Welcome to the Neighborhood" present. With our TV gone, we became more crabby productive.
After ripping up the carpet, we set into the linoleum in the kitchen and bathroom. That stuff didn't want to come off, so we hacked at it a while before discovering that it was asbestos....ooops. So we put on masks, opened windows so that the freezing November air could keep us alive, and finished as fast as we could.
After the walls were painted and the floors were in, we moved into that unit so that we could have a cozier Christmas. While living in that unit, we finished the little things like painting the trim and touch-ups, while simultaneously tearing up the kitchen and bathroom in the other unit. Because it was a smoker unit, all the wood work had to go, and we had to prime with Killz to trap in the nicotine stains and smell of tobacco before we could move in.
We were very blessed and able to get renters who were fine with the yard lacking love, and we hurried to get flooring in at least the kitchen and a toilet in the other unit before switching to that unit to live in. We are still in the process of remodeling it, as it still lacks two doors and several cabinets as well as countertops, but we are making progress!
It has definitely been a new and exciting experience filled with learning curves and paint smudges, and we look forward to finishing it and starting on a quadplex soon-- just not too soon.

John the Baptist

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, I have read and learned a lot about our Savior. While teaching our primary class with my husband a couple of Sundays ago I realized that I do not know much about Jesus's cousin, John the Baptist. The kids in primary were very enthralled with his story from birth to death and as I had the opportunity to learn more about John and his mission this past week in my institute class, I thought that I would share some insights. 

The question that was presented in class was this, "What are the reasons many people would rejoice over John the Baptist's birth and mission?" As I was pondering and studying this question both in the first chapters of Luke and in the bible dictionary, I came across the following:

John was sent to fulfill the mission of Elias, which was to "turn the hearts of the children to their fathers." (v. 17) John did this by baptizing many and teaching them about Jesus Christ's coming. He even baptized some of Jesus' disciples (Bible Dictionary p. 174) and baptized the Lord himself. He fulfilled the prophecy of going before Christ and was described by Christ himself as the "greatest prophet" and was a great light to all who were around him. So why would people rejoice over such a man's birth and mission? The reasons are often overlooked and under-admired, but his prophesies and obedience prepared hearts for the coming of the Savior, he fulfilled prophesies while being full of humility, and he was and is the perfect example of a follower of Christ. 

Fairs and Fry Bread

As the last breaths of summer cool down, fall tumbles in with many cute decorations, Halloween costumes, and one of my personal favorites: Fairs. The atmosphere is always exciting, with crowds cheering contestants in a pie eating contest, screaming on a roller coaster, or cooing at the animals. I look forward to the caramel apples with their sticky sweet shell uncovering the tart crisp with every bite, and the craft exhibits that inspire me to create with my hands.

Growing up, my family often attended the small Emery County fair in Utah, where friends of my grandparents had a stand of fresh Navajo Tacos (or Indian Fry Bread, as it is often called). I fondly remember the burning sensation my tongue would receive as I bit too early into the crisp crust with taco fixings on top, dousing the heat with a bit of sour cream and tomato. I remember the bread becoming dessert later, as my grandma would bring it over freshly fried, speckled with cinnamon and sugar. Those are the days that I look forward to now, when the fresh green leaves begin to dry, and I begin to break out my hoodie. I don't live in Utah anymore, but this weather and fairs always brings back those fantastic Navajo Tacos.

Navajo Tacos

Ingredients:
1 egg whipped + enough lukewarm water to ¾ cup

1 tsp lemon juice

2 T Canola oil

½ tsp salt

2 T sugar

2 C flour

1 tsp active dry yeast

1.) Combine egg and water, sugar and yeast  and let sit for about 5 minutes or until the yeast turns foamy. Combine the rest of the dry ingredients in a big bowl. 

 2.) Add the egg/yeast/sugar mixture to the dry ingredients, along with the rest of the wet ingredients, stirring with a wooden spoon. When it gets too difficult to stir with the spoon, start kneading it with your hands (I keep it in the bowl still, but you can knead it on a lightly floured surface). Sprinkle on more flour if the dough is still very sticky, and knead until incorporated before adding more (only if needed!). 

3.) When the dough is reaches a smooth, yet slightly tacky consistency, form into a ball in the bowl and spray lightly with oil (this keeps the moisture in). Then put a slightly damp dishtowel over the top of the bowl, and place in a warm spot for about an hour or two, or until the dough doubles in size.

4.) When dough has risen, squeeze out small balls and work with your hands until dough is in flat disks. Heat about an inch of oil in a heavy pan (I use an enamel covered dutch oven) until the temperature is between 350 and 375 degrees. 

5.) Cook until golden brown on both sides, and serve hot with taco meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream, guacamole, or whatever your heart desires on a taco. For dessert bread, melt a little butter and sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on top.